I've had a week to process my LSAT, which is, in the words of my favorite federal inmate, a good thing.

The bald truth: I froze up. The first few sections of the test went okay, if not spectacularly. I was distracted by the woman sitting next to me, who talked to herself under her breath. I wasn't so distracted by the sound as I was by the question of how I could get her to shut up without making a scene, which would raise the eyebrows of the proctors who circled the room like vultures. I was finally able to talk to her between sections two and three, but by that point my concentration was seriously off.

Then I got to the fifth and final scored section, and halfway through it I froze. I couldn't even begin to think of how to set up the two scenarios, each of which had about seven corresponding questions. Even though I had done similar scenarios a million times in practice settings, the fatigue and pressure of the real-live test got the better of me. I ended up guessing on approximately seven questions. Seven questions can make or break the entire LSAT score.

Needless to say, I didn't walk out of the test feeling very good about how I did. As I drove home on I-94, I wondered which overpass would be the least painful for me to drive off of going 80 MPH. If I hit that concrete barrier at just the right angle, the impact alone would probably kill me and I wouldn't feel a thing. This bridge is really high--if I went flying off of it I would only have a few milliseconds of terror, followed by a quick death.

Fortunately I made it home. Before I could even set down my keys I had a bottle of wine in one hand and a bottle opener in the other. I drank the entire bottle in about twenty minutes, ordered a pizza, watched a few bad movies, and passed out. I woke up around 8:00 PM, feeling hungover and pathetic. I thought I was doing okay, but then my mom called for the third time and I finally answered the phone. I told her that I thought it went poorly, and as I was explaining how I couldn't understand what happened after all of my preparation, I lost it. I started bawling like a baby. In retrospect I feel embarassed, but at the time I was just concerned that my mom would think I had lost it.

Which I had.

She offered to drive down with my father to spend the night with me, but I sucked it up and said I was fine. She finally got off the phone with me because I was inconsolable. After we hung up I cried for another half an hour. I had a knife in my hand. I thought about cutting myself.

I passed out again around 11:00 PM.

I woke up on Sunday morning and laid there for an hour or two. I was too tired to get out of bed, so all I could do was think. This turned out to be SO beneficial, because it was the first time I could rationalize the test. I finally realized that of the entire test, the section on which I froze was my worst section. Within that section there are six questions types, and one of those is my worst. The LSAT I took last Saturday happened to have two questions that were of that worst type, within my worst section. It was just chance. It's not because I'm stupid, or I was underprepared, or easily distracted. It was just chance.

I got out of bed feeling a million times better. I spent the day on the town running errands, chatting on the phone, buying stuff, having dinner with my parents. Ever since then I've been okay. I realize that I possibly could have done better if I had spent more time drilling that one particular type of question, but I didn't so I have to deal with it. I don't have the energy to study for and take the stupid test again. If I did take it again, I couldn't apply to law school until next year, and I definitely don't want to do that.

So I'll wait patiently to get my results (some time in the next two weeks), prepare my applications, get my letters of recommendation in order, write my personal essay, and do all of the other mundane things that you have to do to apply to a school. Having small goals is helping me right now. I'm preparing myself for the worst on the test--that I didn't score any higher than the first time I took it. If it is anything better than that I will be sincerely surprised and happy.

I've also given up on the notion of getting into the top schools. It sucks, because everything else in my record says that I am "Ivy League" material besides this stupid little test. But I guess that number is important to the schools, and if I can't get in then I won't waste my time applying to those schools.

Okay, end of LSAT rant. I'm ready to move on to other topics for future entries. I'm sure the world is breathing a huge sigh of relief.