fish!
fish!
square square
!!!!!!!
2004-10-15 | 8:12 p.m.

Anyone who knows me well can tell you that I have an irrational fear of sea creatures. Giant fish, mutant octopi... you name it, I have had nightmares about it.

My most irrational fear is that I will be in a plane crash (I'm terrified of flying, too) over the ocean, but when we hit the ocean I won't die. I'll still be alive as the plane's carcass slowly sinks below the surface, out in the middle of nowhere, and there remains a pocket of air in the plane while we slide down towards the bottom. We keep going deeper and deeper and the lights from the plane are enough to show me all of the HUGE, FREAKY monsters that live at the bottom of the ocean. And then one of them rips the plane apart and eats me.

I told you it's irrational!

So ANYWAYS, whenever there is a story about mutant sea-life on the news it usually ends up in my Inbox. CNN.com just ran a story about this new discovery.

squid?

It's called a JUMBO FLYING SQUID!!!!

As if the name and picture weren't enough, here's the way the article describes this beast from the deep:

"The museum is keeping a 6 1/2-foot, 44-pound Dosidicus gigas in a formaldehyde tank. The purple-bodied cephalopod with eight sucker-covered arms and two curly tentacles was caught October 2."

Eight SUCKER-COVERED arms?!?!?!

Two CURLY TENTACLES???!?!??

This foul creature should not be allowed to survive. I say kill them all... kill them good and dead. Nuke the bottom of the ocean and get rid of all the mutantly large leviathans. Make this planet a safer place for you and me and all of the plane crash survivors.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

BTW, did anybody else catch Jon Stewart bitch-slapping the guys on Crossfire today? I would normally never be home, but I had a doctor's appointment and happened to make it time to catch one of my most loathed CNN "debate shows." Stewart was on there to promote his book, but he spent the entire half-hour REAMING Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala about how polarizing and, frankly, idiotic their show is. I can't believe his nerve... I love it! Here are some of my favorite highlights. (Carlson is Republican, Begala is Democrat, Stewart is, well...)

STEWART: In many ways, it's funny. And I made a special effort to come on the show today, because I have privately, amongst my friends and also in occasional newspapers and television shows, mentioned this show as being bad.

(LAUGHTER)

BEGALA: We have noticed.

STEWART: And I wanted to -- I felt that that wasn't fair and I should come here and tell you that I don't -- it's not so much that it's bad, as it's hurting America.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


STEWART: See, the thing is, we need your help. Right now, you're helping the politicians and the corporations. And we're left out there to mow our lawns.

BEGALA: By beating up on them? You just said we're too rough on them when they make mistakes.

STEWART: No, no, no, you're not too rough on them. You're part of their strategies. You are partisan, what do you call it, hacks.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


STEWART: It's not honest. What you do is not honest. What you do is partisan hackery. And I will tell you why I know it.

CARLSON: You had John Kerry on your show and you sniff his throne and you're accusing us of partisan hackery?

STEWART: Absolutely.

CARLSON: You've got to be kidding me. He comes on and you...

(CROSSTALK)

STEWART: You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


STEWART: You know, the interesting thing I have is, you have a responsibility to the public discourse, and you fail miserably.

CARLSON: You need to get a job at a journalism school, I think.

STEWART: You need to go to one.

The thing that I want to say is, when you have people on for just knee-jerk, reactionary talk...

CARLSON: Wait. I thought you were going to be funny. Come on. Be funny.

STEWART: No. No. I'm not going to be your monkey.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


CARLSON: I do think you're more fun on your show. Just my opinion.

(CROSSTALK)

CARLSON: OK, up next, Jon Stewart goes one on one with his fans...

(CROSSTALK)

STEWART: You know what's interesting, though? You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show.

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