The good news is that I didn't get dumped. The bad news is... well, awful.

He called me on Wednesday night and left a voicemail saying that he hasn't called because of a "medical situation." I got back into town from my conference tonight and I called him back. We had a great conversation, things seem great between us, I look forward to seeing him again, but...

He developed trench mouth over the weekend. Which isn't very serious, and is completely treatable. But while the doctor was examining his mouth on Monday, he found some suspicious signs. They think he either has a bone infection in his jaw (best case scenario) or he has a tumor. Which means oral cancer. His father died of oral cancer ten years ago, and New Boy is a RIDICULOUS smoker (2-3 packs a day on his days off), which is the leading cause of oral cancer. They won't be able to diagnose it until his trench mouth clears up, which won't happen for another week or so.

Like an idiot, I went to websites and started researching oral cancer. One of the symptoms of oral cancer is the feeling of something being lodged in your throat. The last time I saw New Boy, he kept complaining that he felt like he had something stuck in his throat. If the tumor has spread to his throat, that means it has spread to his lymph nodes, which means it is about to spread everywhere else in his body.

On the websites I also learned that only 50% of patients diagnosed with oral cancer are still alive five years after their diagnosis. It is more fatal than brain cancer, lung cancer, skin cancer, and Hodgkin's disease. People whose oral cancer goes into remission are 20 times more likely to have a recurrence of cancer elsewhere in the body than those with other types of cancer.

Okay, so I have sufficiently freaked myself out. I have never been close to anyone with a serious illness, and I especially haven't casually dated anyone who is sick like this. It is possible that he just has a bone infection, which is still serious but treatable with antibiotics. If it turns out he has a tumor, things look very grim for him.

I have no idea how I fit into this situation. I feel devastated for him, even though there is no diagnosis yet. He has been locked up in his house bawling and overdosing on Vicadin since he went to the doctor on Monday. I don't blame him at all for not calling me. But what do I do? My first instinct is to want to be with him, comforting him, making him soup, trying to cheer him up, holding his hand, hugging him when he's crying. But I've only known him for two weeks, so that is not really my place. And I'm not sure he wants me in that place, since he has friends who I'm sure are there for him. But if I can't be that close to him, what can I do? Stand on the periphery and give him a word of encouragement once or twice a week? It would be easier for me to never see him again. But that is too awful, and I can't bear the thought of him being alone.

Okay, I clearly need to deal with these issues in my mind before splattering them all over my diary. I guess I'm venting my confusion, sadness, and anger.