Jesus, this "dating" thing doesn't get any easier, does it?

I had date #3 with New Boy tonight. It started out great--we went to see sOliloquy perform, and even though N.B. generally doesn't like spoken word he sat attentively through the entire performance. I noticed that he kept scooting his chair closer to mine, which was nice. We decided to get a drink afterwards, so we hit the Red Dragon.

After a nice, long conversation we started talking about boyfriends. He had told me about his last boyfriend of 2 years, whom he still works with. He said that that boyfriend is really jealous, and that he's afraid of what the ex might do if he met someone that New Boy was dating. I asked, "Does he know about me?" and New Boy scoffed and said, "Well, you're not my boyfriend, so he doesn't need to know about it." Which really made me feel like a million bucks.

When I asked him how many he had, he said, "I don't know, a handful?" When I asked how many is a "handful," he said, "Maybe a dozen? But only two of them mattered." A DOZEN boyfriends. And he's 25. My answer then took him by surprise--I told him that I had only had 2, and they both "mattered."

Shortly afterwards, he said, "But I generally don't like relationships. I'm much more into dating." And then he proceeded to tell me a story about this guy he went on a date with... two weeks ago! As if I want to hear about that!

Even though his dislike of relationships sent a million alarms off in my head, it answered so many questions. He isn't looking for a relationship right now, he just wants to date. This eases me up a bit because now I don't feel this enormous pressure--if he is being distant, it's not because of ME, but because he doesn't want to get attached to me. It's still fucked up, but at least I get it now. The no-sleeping-in-my-bed thing, the quick pecks on lips hello/goodbye kisses, etc.

He invited me back to his place to watch movies, and despite his attempts I didn't let him touch me when we got there. We sat on our separate sides of the bed, arms folded, watching movie after movie. It's now 4 AM and I have to work at 8 AM, and I'm not quite sure why I hung around for so long. I think I was busy sorting everything out in my mind.

So now I need to decide if I want to pursue this or not. The dilemma is that when I broke up with Old Boy, one of my reasons was that I wanted to "date." Didn't want another serious relationship, I just wanted to "date." And now I found a guy who should be PERFECT for dating because that's all he wants, but I'm going crazy! I don't know how to be intimate with somebody that I really like, and then pack up my stuff and go home and not see him again for another week. How do people do this? I feel like I need to extract my emotions from the relationship and just look at it as companionship and sex. But is that worth it? Why do I have this glamorous image of "dating" in my head, when in reality I really just want a boyfriend who I can cuddle with. With New Boy there is no cuddling, there are no long passionate kisses, there is very little flirting... there's no passion to the relationship at all.

I'm seeing him again on Sunday and I think I want to be honest with him. I told him tonight that I've never really just "dated" and that I'm not sure if I like it yet. He jokingly said, "Thanks a lot" but all I could say in response was, "Well, it's true!" On Sunday I think I'll be a little more explicit... I need to figure out if dating is something I want to do, or if I'm really just looking for another relationship. If I want the latter, he'll either have to like me enough to want to by my boyfriend, or he'll have to hit the road.