I broke up with him a year and a half ago.

Why do I still care?

Why do I still get jealous when I hear about him with other guys?

I feel so freaky, in a bad way.

I don't want to talk to any of that L.A. crowd. Most of my college friends moved to L.A. after graduating, and now I want to cut off contact with them because of him. That is so lame, but it's true. When I talk to them, it's all I can do to stop myself from nonchalantly asking, "So... is Matt seeing anybody?" Why the hell do I care? Lord knows he has seen lots and lots and lots of men since we broke up. Why should I care? Why should that get in the way of my otherwise healthy friendships?

And he told me that I didn't place the same romantic value on sex that he did. He saw sex as this purely emotional, loving connection thing. I'm down with that to a degree, but he made me feel cheap for disagreeing partially. And now he's basically a slut. Well, okay, he's not really. But the boy does get around. Hypocritical, yes. But why do I care?

I need to get over him. Hardcore.

Addendum: I think I am sort of afraid that I didn't realize a good thing when I had it. Here's my stupid thought process: Well, since all of these other guys are all over him now, maybe he was much better than I thought and I just didn't realize it at the time? How dare I second-guess myself like that. Bad, bad Rusty.

I want to make Matt feel this same jealousy/insecurity that I am feeling right now, so I stretched the truth when I talked to our mutual friend in L.A. tonight. I didn't come out and SAY that I had been sleeping with other guys, but I definitely let the implication hang out there. If I had verbalized it, it would have been a lie. I thought it would be better to leave the vague idea sitting in her mind so she could expand on it when she talks to Matt. Fucked up, right?