I'm going on three hours of sleep, so this will be brief and to the point. I just had an hour-and-a-half long conversation with my ex-boyfriend, whom I dated through most of college and who now lives in L.A. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, and I really thought at the time that he was "the one" for me.

One of the many cons of my living situation is that it gives me plenty of time (too much time?) to think. And rethink. And re-examine. And wonder. Over the past five or six months, I have found myself questioning every major decision I have ever made, mostly because I have nothing better to do.

With my current boyfriend temporarily out of the picture (this will still have to wait for a future entry), I found myself thinking about my ex. Constantly. Sort of obsessing about his new life, his new boyfriend, how much fun he is having without me. I felt so jealous of his lifestyle because I had conjured a fairy-tale image of it in my head. Whereas I watched TV in Minnesota all day, he was zipping past the palms of Santa Monica Blvd. on his way to some swanky gay club where he would meet attractive, hunky, single men who were only looking for a good time and, perhaps afterwards, friendship. I knew that parts of this were true. The more I heard about my ex "hooking up" with some random guy, the more jealous I got. But hearing that he had a steady boyfriend, whom he seemed to actually like, put me over the edge.

I know that I am an idiot for being jealous, when I have been in a monogomous relationship since before he even moved to L.A. I guess on a very basic level, I was just being selfish. It was okay for me to be happy with someone else, but not okay for him, because how could he be happy without me, the love of his life? But reality sunk in. He got over me, just like I had gotten over him and moved on to my current boyfriend. However, I couldn't let this just go...

So two months ago I wrote the dreaded Emotional Letter From The Ex-Boyfriend (heretofore referred to as the "ELFTEB"). I didn't get too sentimental in the ELFTEB, but I did say that I felt guilty about the way we separated. (He moved away when I started seeing my current boyfriend.) I wanted to end our relationship on a better note, but instead I felt uneasy about the whole thing.

In hindsight, I know I was using the ELFTEB to manipulate him by dropping subtle hints that I missed him, thought about him a lot, and was a little jealous that he was in a new relationship. Of course, I never came out and said this explicitly, because that would be honestly expressing one's feelings and I'm far too Midwestern for that. My current thoughts on the ELFTEB? Petty, yes. Honest, definitely.

I got what I deserved in return. My ex sent me an e-mail response saying that, indeed, he had found hapiness away from me and that he didn't share the doubts that I expressed in the ELFTEB. In other words, he was over me big time. Suddenly, I went from trying to manipulate the situation to looking like a complete asshole. Which I had coming.

After being completely dissed in his response ("I hope you don't have too many issues surrounding our breakup, because I'm really cool with it now"), my strategy was to avoid him for a few years, until, perhaps, he was no longer dating his boyfriend, had forgotten about the ELFTEB, and was unhappily single. His call tonight disrupted my scheme, and despite my initial attempts to be icy and disinterested, I found myself lightening up within minutes. We were suddenly back to our old, jocular selves, talking about old times like nothing had changed since he moved West.

And then it dawned on me. Even if my ex were single, and I were single, and a relationship was possible between us, I wouldn't want it. I still remember the reasons we broke up, and they would be just as relevant now as they were two years ago.

What I really want is to know that he would still want to date me, that he still misses me, and that nobody after me has made him as happy as I did. I partially want to know this because I think the reverse is true for me. I still do miss him, and I still do love him. However, I know enough not to date him again and make the same mistakes. Does he know that as well?

God, I hope not.

Is that fucked up or what?