This whole law school application process is showing me a side of myself that I'm not very happy with.

It's no secret that I can be very "Type A" about certain things. School is one of them. Work is another. My mom tells the story about when I was in first grade and I used to race through my assignments to be the first to finish. I remember running up to the front of the room and slamming my paper in the In Box, and then gloating about it to my mother when I got home. She was, needless to say, creeped out by this, so she made a conscious effort through most of my childhood to de-emphasize academics and competition. She would shrug if I got an A on a paper, and when my grades started slipping in early high school she barely noticed. I was happy with myself and immune to stress, it seemed, so all was fine.

I went away to a boarding school for my last two years of high school and that changed everything. I started caring about grades again. I started to get competitive with myself to see how far I could push myself, how long I could study, how many pages I could write above and beyond the assignment.

College only made things worse. I drove myself like a madman, often foregoing nights out with friends so I could cuddle up with a reference book in one of the library carrels. I ended up graduating Phi Beta Kappa, won awards for writing, blah blah blah and felt fantastic about it (but still bemoaned the one B I got during my college career).

So then I entered the work force, where I definitely push myself to work long hours and perform at my peak, but I feel very confident and calm at work. Most things seem within my immediate control, and those that are not are things that I can still influence in some way with hard work.

But this law school stuff is completely out of my control, so I am wracked with insecurity and anxiety. I was up past 2 am every night last week working on applications. I check my e-mail about fifteen times a day for my LSAT results. I'm panicked that my recommenders will dawdle in submitting my letters, or that my college neglected to forward my transcripts to the correct address. It's stuff I can't really control now, and it's driving me up the fucking wall.

I'm going crazy. Honestly. The mere thought of my applications causes me to hyperventilate. Talking it about it on the phone makes me want to hang up and better use my time by working on the apps.

So if this is what I'm like now... how will I be in law school? Do I really want to end up at a super-competitive Ivy League (if that's even within the realm of my possibilities)? Will that experience be better because it's more manageable? Even though I pushed myself in undergrad, I don't remember ever feeling ridiculously anxious or panic-stricken like this. I really think (hope) that it's just anxiety about applying and then waiting.

In talking to my ex-boyfriend on the phone tonight, I started drawing silent comparisons between the two situations. My Type A-ness causes me to look at things in a very critical light, and they're usually things involving me. If I have a few dirty dishes in the sink I feel like my house is a disaster. If I haven't cut my hair in a few months I feel like an ugly mop-top slacker. Don't ask me where this bizarre pressure to be perfect comes from. I like to write it off as "the gay thing", but I don't know any other gay people who are so wiggidy wacked. But back to my ex-boyfriend: the more I learn about my thought-process, the more I'm afraid that I will never date somebody and be truly happy. If in a serious relationship, the other person is sort of an extension and, in some ways, a representation of you. I was extremely happy and in love with both of the guys I dated in college (3 year and then 2 year relationship). But despite that, and despite the numerous amazing qualities both guys had, I still broke off each relationship because I felt like it wasn't perfect. There was something missing.

Now that I think about it, they were often minor things. "He doesn't make small talk with my family. He won't listen to me prattle on about XXXXX thing, which is really important to me. He's too shy. He doesn't watch/read the news every day." These sentiments are manageable differences, not fatal relationship flaws. I think I projected my perfectionism about my life onto my boyfriends, and when they didn't live up the standards (can anybody?) I dumped them. I still love both of them. I still think only good thoughts about them. But at the time I felt like it just wasn't good enough.

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. Who knows? But this tedious, frantic process of applying to law schools is showing me what a monster I can be, and now I wonder where else it is creeping up in my life that I never even noticed.

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Quick, random plug: I went to two parties today for friends who recently had books published. I haven't read either, but knowing the minds behind them I have complete faith in their goodness. If you're looking for a good read and want to support talented Twin Cities authors...

Justice for Marlys: A Family's Twenty-year Search for a Killer by John S. Munday

Lake of Sorrows: A Novel by Erin Hart