I've had the most fantastic and fantastically fast weekend. I ended up in Isanti County yesterday, on a pontoon boat, eating cream cheese and celery with some writing-group friends. It was a great evening--beautiful setting, good company, nice conversation, bottles of wine. I grew uncomfortable at times because the daughter of our hosts was murdered and the subject kept coming up. The couple is very comfortable talking about it (it happened 25 years ago), but it isn't easy for those around them. At least it wasn't easy for me, especially when they started talking about the hachet or crow bar the guy used to bash her head in. The mother found her daughter a few minutes after the attack... god, it's just awful.

The father wrote a book about their experience dealing with her death and seeking justice for the murder that will be published in October. We spent the evening planning his "launch party"--it should be a good time. They feel like they have "closure" (that garish American concept) now that the killer is out of appeals and their story is being published.

In other news, I saw the films "I, Robot" and "The Manchurian Candidate" this weekend. I highly recommend both movies. I think they both get 3.5 Bones out of a possible 4.

In other other news, I think I have an Internet crush. Digital relationships are so much better than the real thing, don't you agree? (Analog relationships are so 1990s.) I stumbled across this website around 4 a.m. last night and became completely engrossed. I've never read a blog before where I needed to keep an online encyclopedia open in a separate window so that I could follow the plot. It's very creative and intense, and the whole site seems sexy and a little dangerous. I'm looking at my humble goldfish right now, feeling like an Olivia Newton-John fan who accidentally wandered into a Megadeth concert.

Some people are incredibly interesting on the Internet. It's usually a combination of intelligence, wit, snappy copy, and timing. And obsessive computer use/abuse. Unfortunately, I have met some of these "interesting" Internet people before and they often turn out to be creepily not interesting. I've carried on e-mail correspondences that have gone on for megabytes, but once we ended up face-to-face in a coffee shop I found myself pulling teeth to get any sort of response from him. And I'm no dentist.

Not that any of this matters. I think I am done meeting Internet people for awhile. After a few shitty dates, brief relationships, and awkward encounters in the gym, I've had my fill of digital personalities. I'll continue to enjoy his digital personality as a digital personality.

In even more bizarre news, I was at the gym today and, as I was walking through the locker room, I saw a guy toweling off who had the BIGGEST dick I've ever seen in my life. As a gay man, that probably should have aroused me in some way, but I'm telling you... it was terrifying. I probably clutched my workout towel to my mouth in horror. God didn't intend for balls to hang that low. Natural selection should have weeded him out a long time ago.

There are normal size penises, which are great. There are smaller dicks, which are sort of fine--but inevitably filed in the drawer of insults you can sling at the guy if he really pisses you off. There are big penises, and I am never one to turn those away.

And then there are disgustingly huge, elephantine penises. Colossal wangers. Penises that make you wince when you think about the schmo's poor girlfriend.

His was in the final category. I shudder to think of it still.

If this were the middle ages I would gather a group of villagers and run the man-beast out of town.