fish!
fish!
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fatty bombatty
2004-07-08 | 9:16 p.m.

Grim news from the gym. I had a consultation with a personal trainer today--it comes free with your membership--and they ran all these tests on me. How did it go? Well, I cried the entire drive home--does that give an indicator?

I am officially overweight. In fact, I am so close to the "obese" classification that my big, juicy, fat-encrusted heart almost stopped beating when I saw the results. I have 24.7% body fat--28% is obese.

I am in shock. I know that I've put on some extra weight since college, but I didn't think it was THAT much. I don't think I look obese... I probably look a little overweight, but I still consider myself fairly slender. I have to reduce my body fat by seven percentage points just to be considered "good"!!

I hate thinking about this stuff--I'd much rather focus on being a good, interesting, educated person--but it came as a huge slap in the face of my vanity.

I feel like Jabba the Hut.

I feel like I should wear a turtleneck tomorrow, despite the 85 degree temperature, and hide my rolls of jiggly blubber from the prying, judgmental eyes of the world.

In other good news, my dietary habits are considered "Fair" (that's below average), my bicep strength rating is considered "Poor" (I should be able to pull 104 pounds and I can pull 57), and my flexibility assessment is so low that it barely shows up as a tiny sliver of color on the bar graph.

I've always been more of an academic/social person than an athlete, so this shouldn't come as a huge surprise to me. Physical fitness has always been at the bottom of my list of priorities. But now that I do want to take it serious, it scares me to know that my neglect has caused me to accumulate a quarter of my weight in pure, unadulterated fat.

I'm taking a picture of myself with my digital camera, printing it out, and hanging it next to my bed. That way, when my alarm goes off at 6:00 a.m., I will be reminded that I am waking up so early so that I can my fat ass to the gym to work off this ridiculous weight. I've been in denial of my flabbiness and I guess that has to stop.

Sheesh.

I blame this all on Britney Spears, BTW.

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