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dating sucks
2004-06-20 | 10:19 a.m.

Wow, the Gods of Diaryland are finally smiling on me and I can add an entry! I've been trying for two weeks...

I just got back from a weeklong conference in northern Minnesota about arts and education. It was sooo much fun. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard for so long. I had lots of great friends with me, so that helped.

I did lots of strange and adventurous things while I was there. Here's evidence of one of those things:

welding

It's pretty amazing when someone like me--a known homosexual--can hold a welding torch with pride. There's a million more stories to tell about my northern adventure, but it will have to wait for another time.

I'm taking daddy dearest out for Father's Day brunch this afternoon. I think my parents are trying to acknowledge my poordom--my mother suggested Chipotle!

More man drama. I am finally beginning to hate dating, which is exactly where I wanted to be a year ago. I was in a string of long-term relationships, and throughout I always had this romanticized idea of what it's like to "date". I now realize that I hate dating.

Hate it.

It makes me feel so insecure and stupid. I'm physically and emotionally incapable of carrying on a non-romantic relationship. I want to take things to a serious level very quickly--it's just my nature--and I think I have freaked some of my "dates" out because of it.

To recap...

1. December: sucky date with some Internet guy. Although it sucked, I get desperate a few weeks later and e-mail him to see if he'll come out for my birthday. He never responds.

2. January: briefly date restaurant manager guy. Have sex on first date. I think it means we really like each other... but for him it was just sex. After progressively worse dates, I call it off. Then I get desperate a few days later and call him to see if he wants to hang out. He says no. I eventually find out he gave me The Clap. Antibiotics ensue.

3. February: briefly date ex-boyfriend of my friend. I like him a lot. He seems to like me a lot. Suddenly he freaks out and says he's not looking for anything serious. Then he stands me up on a date. Then he e-mails me that he doesn't want to see me again. I try to remain friends with him, which he likes, but then he stops responding to my e-mails.

4. May: briefly date another Internet guy. He's very cute and smart. Things aren't perfect but, like always, I'm willing to plug along to see if there is potential. After three dates, he stops responding to my e-mails.

5. June: I suddenly realize that I've dated four guys in the past six months and they have all basically ended because the guys haven't wanted to date me anymore. This means that either...

a. I am more willing to give a relationship some leeway than the people I date, or

b. I am disgusting, obnoxious, hideous, repulsive, or any other icky adjective that has crossed my mind in the past few days.

The moral of the story is that dating makes me feel really, really, really insecure. When I'm in a relationship I usually feel secure about myself, my personality, my looks, my body, etc. Now I am a big puddle of doubt. I hate thinking about this stuff--I have more important things to do--but here I sit.

Dating sucks.

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