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2003-12-30 | 2:31 a.m.

My ex-boyfriend has awakened an ancient and terrible wrath whose power threatens to consume all of mankind.

Sorry, I've been watching too much Lord of the Rings...

But as I was saying, I am pissed as hell at my ex-boyfriend of three years, whom I haven't seen for two years, whom now lives in L.A. Over the holidays I reconnected with an old friend who also lives in L.A., and who is the person that introducted me to my ex. (We will call him Sauron, for the sake of clarity.)

Late into the evening, I told my friend that I still have some unresolved feelings about the way that Sauron and I split up. We had been broken up for a year at the point that Sauron moved to L.A., and he left suddenly and in a huff. Although he had dated other people during that year, I had been very single. Finally I went on one date, and out of nowhere he says, "I'm moving to L.A. because I can't be around you if you're going to date other people." It has always seemed so strange to me, and I have been desperate for some explanation.

BOY did I get it.

After I told my friend about my unresolved feelings, she mentioned something in passing that I have never told her. She said that Sauron had told it to her. But it is something I never told Sauron. In fact, it is something that I don't think I have ever really explained to ANYONE. Something very intimate, personal. After it came out of her mouth, I asked, "Wait... what would make Sauron think that?"

And (this is the kicker) she says nonchalantly: "Well, he said that he read it in your diary, and that he confronted you about it and that's why he decided to move to L.A."

Now, by "diary" I'm not talking about this cheesy, made-for-public-consumption diary that you are now reading. I am talking about my handwritten, personal, PRIVATE diary that I have kept since I was a teenager. The one that I only write in when I have to express something that is too terrible, or scary, or emotional for me to share with somebody else. My most private private private thoughts that I would never want anyone to read because it could really hurt them.

Sauron read it. And he never told me about it. I just re-read the diary and realized that he probably read a lot of hurtful stuff. Now I completely understand why he decided to leave so suddenly. According to my friend, he thought that something was wrong with me and I wasn't being communicative, so he turned to my diary to try to figure out what was going on. He read that stuff, and rather than confront me about it he decided to just leave, using my one date as an excuse.

That motherfucking piece of shit asshole.

I want to fly out to L.A. and strangle him with my own two hands. Here are my emotions, as best as I can explain them right now...

1. FURIOUS that Sauron would invade my privacy like that. He read my private diary, never told me, and made me think that the reason he left was something completely different. No wonder I have so many unresolved feelings--I didn't understand what was going on. What makes me even more furious is that he is telling our mutual friends in L.A. that he DID confront me about the diary, which is not at all true. And the icing on the cake is that he is telling our mutual friends exactly what I wrote in my private diary, and they are coming home now and telling ME about my personal, intimate thoughts which I never intended to share with anyone. Can I sue him for something like that?

2. EMBARASSED that Sauron read things which were never intended to be read. He now knows things about me which I wouldn't want anyone to know. He knows things about our relationship that he shouldn't know. Like I said, I only write in my diary when I am very messed up, so he read the worst of the worst during our three year relationship. I never write in my diary when GOOD things are happening! So I have some excellent, happy memories of our relationship, and he is left with sour memories because he read my diary.

3. CONFUSED about what I should do next. I know that I need to do something, but I'm not sure if that is a phone call, an e-mail, a letter, or just a message passed through one of my friends. I need to let him know that I am mad that he raped me of my privacy, and that he is now telling people whom I know very well what I wrote in my diary. I need to ask him, or command him, to stop. But I also want to clarify things, on some strange level. Although I don't owe Sauron any explanations about what he read, I feel like one good conversation about this whole thing could give me the closure I need so I can stop dwelling on our relationship. If we can see eye to eye, even if it's just for a moment, I think I can put Sauron behind me once and for all.

So I'm not sure what to do right now. If I call him any time soon, I will break down into hysterics. I've finally calmed down when I think about it, but as soon as I start talking about it to somebody my blood begins to boil. I am so angry, but this also answers so many questions that have nagged me for years now.

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