I talked to my ex-boyfriend today, the one who I broke up with in August. We haven't spoken for a few weeks and I was beginning to think that he hated me. You see, even though I dumped him, he has persisted in calling me nearly every day to try to talk things out. We finally had a big blow-out, I had to be a jerk, and I think I hurt his feelings. He sent me a letter a few weeks ago, and then I sent him one back where I explained as honestly as possible why we broke up and I begged him to stop calling me for a few months.

So a few weeks went by, I didn't hear from him, and then suddenly he called today.

The conversation was weird. It was awkward at first, he attacked me for some of the things I wrote in my letter, asked for some clarification, told me that he wants to hate me but can't, etc. He once again extended his offer to be in an "open relationship," take a few months off but still think of ourselves as a couple, and other options. He basically said, "I'm willing to do whatever you want so long as we aren't completely broken up."

This is awful because recently I have really been thinking that I made the wrong choice. I am so lonely and miserable right now. I haven't been single for five years, so I don't really know how to be a functional adult without having a boyfriend in my life. Things seem so empty right now. I thought that I would love having this time to myself. I can focus on my career, my writing, my composing, and my friends.

But it hasn't been that idyllic. I come home from work and the first thing I do is check my e-mail, even though I checked it a million times at work. I'm not particularly looking for an e-mail from my ex, it's like I'm desperate for ANY contact. Anybody who cares about me, wants to know how I'm doing.

Now I'm sounding pathetic. I have a great network of friends and family and I know they all love me and support me, but I don't know what it's like to live without a boyfriend who loves me more than anybody else. Who wants to know the minutae of my day, who has inside jokes and a common language with me, who I can think about and smile any time during the day. I feel like I'm wasting myself, and my youth, by holing up in my apartment every night. I know that I have a lot to offer somebody, but I also know that I have my own issues that I need to sort through before I can be worthwhile in a relationship.

But does that mean I should wait until those issues are cleared up before plunging into another long-term relationship? Or should I succumb to my loneliness and start dating somebody else, even though I am in the exact same mental state I was in when I broke up with my ex? Or should I go back to my ex and write this off as a mistake?

It's such a confusing time right now.

23 is a hard year.