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break break down
2003-08-01 | 9:10 p.m.

I can barely write this. I broke up with my boyfriend of over two years on Wednesday night. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I wish that didn't sound so cliche because it is really true--it was almost impossible. I actually cried, and I literally can't remember the last time that I did that. I know that it has been years and years and years... maybe not even since high school?

The breakup was inevitable, I think. It finally came down to me realizing that I wasn't happy, and therefore the relationship wasn't happy, therefore it would be in everybody's best interest to end it. But I still feel like I'm letting something go that is really special and comfortable, and perhaps I'm making a huge mistake.

This is forcing me to question my relationship skills and I think I now realize that I am a bad boyfriend. I am non-communicative about my emotions, so I let everything build up inside me and then it all comes out in random spurts of anger and hostility. My poor boyfriend, who painstakingly tries to drag my feelings out of me, it often the target of my bottled aggression. This realization actually made the break-up easier for me, because I said, and I honestly believe, that I am not emotionally mature enough to be in such a committed relationship. I have a lot of growing up to do before I can treat the person I love with the respect they deserve. I don't know how to do this, but I have to learn.

I am SO avoiding any future relationship with anybody, at least for now. I am very jaded and angry at myself for being such a jerk in this situation. It was time for us to break up, but I think that things would have worked between us if I had been more mature. I'm also sort of afraid that I will never be able to love somebody with no strings attached. When I would get mad at my boyfriend I could be so cold and manipulative, and he always let me get away with it. He could accept my flaws, and I never could accept his.

Which leads me to believe that I have a lot of soul-searching to do over the next few months and maybe even years. I am a lousy boyfriend, but I'm also a serial monogamist who has not been single for more than five years. I went directly from my boyfriend of three years to my boyfriend of two years with no break. I don't have ANY idea how to be single, so I guess I'll have to work at that too, because no poor unsuspecting guy should have to fall victim to me right now. At least not until I figure stuff out.

So now I am slipping into post-breakup hibernation mode. It's Friday night and I'm home in my pajamas, crying into my frozen pizza. My only ambition is to go buy a pack of cigarettes and get wasted in the comfort of my home. I sort of want to be out with friends, but I've noticed that when I'm with people I don't even want to talk about the break-up because I get so upset about it. So for now it's best that I lock myself away for awhile and just deal with this shit on my own.

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