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american space idol
2003-02-08 | 11:44 a.m.

Here is a sad testament about how much CNN/American Idol I have been watching. Media saturation.

Last night I dreamed that I was going to audition to be an astronaut. NASA was holding a nation-wide talent contest and the first round was just a face-to-face interview. I decided that yes, I did want to be an astronaut, so I went to the interview, which was curiously enough held at the Food Court of the local mall. It was finally my turn and I walked up to the table, only to discover that the three judges were..... Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, and that other guy from American Idol.

So I sat down at the table and we proceeded to have a mindless conversation about nothing. I told a few jokes, they laughed. They told a few jokes, I laughed. Everything seemed to be going well. And then there was a slight lag in the conversation, and the three judges exchanged glances.

Simon said, "Well, I certainly don't think you're ready to be an astronaut yet." Before he could even finish his sentence, Paula said "I agree" and that other guy was nodding his head. I was SO angry, and I said, "Why? Why can't I be an astronaut?"

Simon said, "Well, the main problem is communication. You talk too fast, and you say your 'T's and 'S's funny, like with a little lisp. And you used the word 'Thanks,' which shows you are unprofessional."

I stood up from the table and, in true American Idol form, proceeded to tell the judges off. "So what, you're telling me that a GAY PERSON can't be an ASTRONAUT??! That a HOMOSEXUAL can't represent his country in OUTER FUCKING SPACE?!?" I stormed off, tears streaming from my eyes.

And that's the end of the dream.

Now to put this in a bit of context, I had an old high school friend last weekend ask me, "So, did you make a conscious choice to start speaking more 'gay' after high school, or did it just happen naturally?" Since then I have been mortified about my speech. She said that I say my "t"s with a lisp, so I have been trying to remove words containing that letter from my vocabulary.

As if!

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