I've spent the last two nights reading this diary and I'm totally blown away by it. Who wouldn't want to be his friend? Smart, witty, well-endowed... damn...

In more serious news, I went to the funeral of my great-uncle today. It was a nice service, but a little too religious for me. I am sort of terrified that when I become old and brittle I will "find God" as so many old folks do. It seems sort of desperate to me, like you don't need to lead a Christian life when you're young, but as you grow closer to the final curtain you hedge your bets by finding God. Why do you only see old people at church? Hedging their bets. Not that my great uncle was that way--he was the usher at his church for over 50 years!

Wow, I am really tired and this is sort of rambling. I have found that the more funerals I attend, the more I am able to visualize my perfect funeral. I am determined to write these requests down at some point so that my survivors don't fuck it up when I croak. I'll jot a bit down here.

NO religious music! You will play only my favorite songs. Some songs will be inappropriate for younger listeners, so it is up to the parents whether they want to bring their chitlins or not. If they are going to cry throughout my service, they can't come. Sorry. This is my moment to shine. I envision showtunes, a few hip-hop pieces, and a TON of ABBA. I hope that the gentle strains of "Dancing Queen" will bring back fond memories of my dancing technique, which is always good for a chuckle.

NO black! You will not be allowed into the room if you are wearing an ounce of black, with the exception tasteful shoes and undergarments.

NO church! I am hoping to be wealthy enough to fly my friends and family to someplace exotic, like Cebu or Nevis or another island nobody has ever heard of. However, since I hate the beach and all of the body-insecurity that it entails, the service will be held indoors. I see stucco. I see Spanish tile floors. Perhaps a few palm trees and cabana boys to smooth out the edges.

NO church-lady dinner after the service! It is so sweet of the church-ladies to make casseroles and ham-sandwiches for funeral guests, but I will have none of it at my service. My menu will be entirely vegetarian, which will serve two purposes: 1. It represents the one and only firm belief I held in my entire life (replacing that Christian Shangri-la b.s.), and, 2. It will piss off all of my conservative relatives, who will probably be pissed at my anyways for not having a traditional Christian service with hymnals and "testimonies," whatever the hell that means.

NO crying! I want people to be happy. I know that's a lot to ask, but I want to be remembered with a smile and not with tears. For a real laugh you should play the videotapes of my early piano recitals. I think you could make a drinking game out of it: take a swig every time I fuck up, take a big swig every time I lose my place and need to start over at the beginning of the piece. I guarantee you'll all be sloshed by the time I reach "Twinkle Twinkle Variations."

I think that's about all my ideas for now. You can see that I'm going with a non-religious, anti-establishment theme. I don't think it's too revoluationary, but having attended a few funerals in my day I definitely know what I DON'T want when that day comes. So there.