So it is a given that Star Wars Episode I really sucked, right? Well, I have been locked in my apartment, watching my new Episode I DVD featurettes, trying to discover where they went wrong. Especially after watching three hours of behind-the-scenes footage and making-of documentaries, I am baffled that such a huge venture could go so terribly amuk.

Like most non-rabid-Star-Wars-fans, I was completely disappointed when I left the theater after seeing Episode I. Like most homosexual males, my first comment was, "Damn, Natalie Portman looked GOOD in those costumes!" and after my first cigarette I grumbled, "But what the hell was up with that whole trade-blockade thing? I mean, huh?"

I am a fairly intelligent individual who can generally follow a plot, and I know that the old British senator guy will become "The Emperor" of Episode IV-VI fame. But this complex intrigue plot was interlaced with cute little Anakin bumbling around the desert in his car. What?

Beyond this major confusion on my part, I was able to break the movie down into three tragic flaws.

Flaw #1: Anakin can't act. Bottom line.

Flaw #2: Natalie Portman can't act. She speaks as if she has braces, and she doesn't. I always expect spittle to fly out of her mouth when she delivers a serious line.

Flaw #3: Although I doubt the actors could handle it anyways, there is little character development. I think it's the George Lucas philosophy. Why bother shooting a serious scene between two actors when you can have Jar Jar Binks tripping over scrap metal? Or a 90-minute racing scene? Or a shot of young Skywalker staring out at the sunset? By the climax of the movie I couldn't have cared less about Queen Chlamydia, or Ewan "Butch Lesbian Haircut" McGregor, or that little moptop kid. I had no reason to like them, but plenty of reason to mortally despise them.

So that's my take on Episode I. I also just bought Episode II on DVD, so I'm sure you will get the post-mortem on that movie as soon as I've had a chance to pick it apart. I definitely remember liking it better than Episode I, but I'm sure most of that had to do with a certain young, studly leading actor from whom I could not tear my eyes through the entire movie. Sure, he couldn't act either, but he made stumbling through lines look DAMN good.